firsts..

because you really wanted to know more about me...here's the first for everything. some of its funny, some of it isnt. i stole this from my aunt, but it's ok. i think she'll forgive me!

1. Who was your first prom date? i'm not going to talk about who. it seems still ripe...not for me, but i dont want to make an already messed up situation even worse. but i will say it was one of the best nights of my life. i had the best time with my best friends, loved hanging out at katies, and mama stuhmer made the best breakfast ever. thats another thing i miss. katie, if you see this, tell your mom to come down here so we can have breakfast. or i'll just text her. i love that lady.

2. Do you still talk to your first love? i don't think i really had a first love. i had a first infatuation. i'll get back to you on the love thing.

3. What was your first alcoholic drink? my dad would offer us sips of whatever he was drinking sometimes...i always felt super hard core whenever he did it in public. like "psh, yeah i'm 10 years old and drinkin' my dad's beer." clearly i had no life.

4. What was your first job? muskego gateway entertainment complex. also known as the worst job ever. ha not really, i loved every minute of it...until the last few weeks. but i worked with two of my best friends, and became closer with one of my guy friends, all while chilling in a bar and eating free food and playing pool. plus k-biss became like the sister i never had. i love that girl. its no wonder i stuck around there for two years. wowie.

5. What was your first car? an ancient toyota camery. i think? who knows. its in car heaven. great move on my part!

6. Who was the first person to text you today? katie. i'm not even going to get into what we talked about. ghetto names and regina spektor. it pretty much makes us awesome. dont judge! :)

7. Who was the first person you thought of this morning? oh golly. i dont know...like really. maybe work people? like wondering who i was working with today?

8. Who was your first grade teacher? mrs. moore. (still) can't get enough of her. next to my third grade teacher, she was my favorite ever. oh, to be in first grade again.

9. Where did you go on your first flight in a plane? um. arizona? i got to hand out the cookies on the plane because i knew the flight attendant. yeah you wish you were as cool as me.

10. Who was your first best friend and do you still talk? katelyn. i haven't said a word to her since maybe seventh grade. but shes dating one of my good guy friends...awkward. oh well. our lives went different directions, and i'm happy for her.

11. Where was your first sleepover? most likely katelyns. we went to preschool together, so i think it was her house. i don't remember anything about the first one, but i remember the random stuff we used to do...we were awesome.

12. Who was the first person you talked to today? laura from work. oh no. actually my aunt. she made the best smoothie today. not that they're not all delicious, but something about today's was extra awesome. :D

13. Whose wedding were you in for the first time? i've never been in a wedding...i dont even remember being at a wedding. except this one from last year...idk my mom and i played "i-spy" the entire time. haha

14. What was the first thing you did this morning? decided that i could get away with another 10 minutes of sleep. ahhh

15.What was the first concert you went to? i went to an outdoor concert with my friend angela...we saw one republic, and it was great. we actually got the tickets from the job i mentioned in number 4. i helped a lady carry a box, and she gave us two free tickets. win! but my first legit concert with an opening act and everything was ben folds. the second time. and it was the most amazing thing i've ever witnessed in my life.

16. First tattoo? i'm sorry mom, but i realllllly want to get one. im thinking about talking my best friend into getting one with me, because she inspired a lot of it. and i think it would be more meaningful for both of us if we got it together. we'll see. and ashley neumann...i know youre not reading this, but i really want you to do it. mostly because you're great at it. and because i know you. haha
17. First piercing? ears! i waited so long for it. i had to stop sucking my thumb to get them pierced. that was the deal!

18. First foreign country you went to? technically canada. but that doesnt count. first one was costa FREAKING rica. i absolutely love that place. and every time i wear my necklace from there, i should think of the awesome lady who gave it to me, but instead i think of my friend marissa who named it and calls it "el cokie!!" haha i love her.

19. First movie you remember seeing? oh gosh. i have no idea. i really remember seeing tarzan in the theater. but i dont remember one earlier than that

20. What state did you first live in? Wisco. Sconnie Nation. wisconsin. land of cheese and beer.

21. Who was your first room mate? nada yet. so i'll talk about...when i roomed with laura kelsey and katie. bahaha ok maybe i wont. that was probably the most fun i've had in my life.

22. When was your first detention? we didnt really do detentions at my school. or maybe i was just oblivious?

23. "so what did you write for 23?" "i don't know, what was it?" "there was none" giggle giggle giggle :)

24. What is one thing you would learn, given the chance? i wish i could learn french. and not have it be hard! and i guess...i wish i could learn how to fly. both figuratively and literally.

25. Who will be the next person to post this? hm. well. nobody reads my blog except my parents and laura. haha i'm that cool. so probably nobody. how sad.

___ing. get to know me!

I had a cute blog post idea, but i feel a headache coming on, and thinking doesnt really appeal to me right now. so now you get to know more about me!!

Making : friends!! and loving it.
Cooking : hm. nothing at the moment...but it looks like i'll be doing a lot of it next week!
Drinking : sweet tea. mmm
Reading: Storming Heaven by Denise Giardina. not a fan, mainly because its required for school. lame!
Listening: I could go on and on. but just today, i've listened to music that defined my winter last year, given to me by the one person i've found that had the EXACT same music taste as me. too bad hes not in my life anymore...eh not so much.
Wanting: to visit home. i want to see my friend's dorm rooms and meet all their new friends. i can't WAIT for christmas!!
Looking: at the list of homework i have due on tuesday...gahhh!
Playing: phone tag. so frustrating!
Wasting: time doing this instead of homework. boo.
Sewing: in the process of a tshirt blanket. i havent exactly worked on it in about a week, but its getting there.
Enjoying: having the afternoon off!!
Waiting: for the Navs tonight...should be fun! and to see my parents over thanksgiving. cant wait for that either!
Wondering: so much right now. my mind doesnt stop. that could be why i'm not sleeping. i love life.
Loving: my friends. i say that all the time, but i really do. and i love that one of my best friends still trusts me to keep her secrets even though i'm not right next to her. i can't explain how happy it makes me feel that i'm not replaced :) i know youre reading this, goob. i love you!
Hoping: the navs is as fun as the lunch date i had with one of the staff-ers yesterday. she's awesome!!
Marvelling: at how one of my all time favorite songs (not the same by ben folds) can make me feel so good. i was driving along today in the middle of a rain storm, and the live version of that song came on. any ben folds fan can tell you that the live version is WAYYY better than the studio verson. but i'm blasting it, and the second the three-part harmony comes on, the rain stopped and the sun came out. i kid you not. i was amazed. so i listened to it again. and love it even more now :D
Smelling: my air freshener. ahhh hawaiian breeze!
Wearing: soccer shorts, katie's "im on island time" shirt, and muskego volleyball sweatshirt. aka complete scrub.
Following: ellen degeneres, my new twitter friend!! too bad i didn't win the 1000 bucks she said she'd give out :(
Noticing: how what i do doesnt define who i am. what others do for me defines who i am. thanks lyndsay! :)
Knowing: that things can only go up from here.
Thinking: about how in the world im going to pay for anything. yay?
Bookmarking: sociology case studies. what a life. ugh.
Opening: up and meeting new people. and doing it all (sort of) on my own. woo!
Giggling: over the story my friend just told me. its terrible. but i can't stop laughing. see above comment about Loving. ha!
Feeling: happy, excited, tired, aggrivated, lost, cold, (finally) comfortable with the fact that i didn't make the worst decision of my life.

it takes time to realize

something miraculous happened today.

actually a lot happened.

i woke up much earlier than i usually do, not to find myself overly tired and groaning for more sleep, but excited and energized. why? psh i dont know. but its nice to lay around and turn the tv on and get ready slowly...i just wish i looked like i took the time...stupid rain. oh well.

my english professor never showed up for our 7:30 am class, which meant an hour and a half of free time! i was so excited about it, and i joined Amber, the girl who sits next to me, for some coffee in the cafeteria. yay!

but the rest of my classes were...school-y. nothing too fun. interesting though!

and guess what else?? i signed up for volleyball! only seven more days until it starts!! gahh i can't wait!

and i even listened to the cd titled "mama mias-soundtrack of our lives" on the way home...and didnt shed a tear!! crazy!

and i realized something. maybe i'm getting used to it here. maybe i'm adapting. its about time!

maybe i can look at the kid in my sociology class that looks exactly like my friend sam and not feel like bawling because i miss him. i sure did today! and i did it without even realizing it!

maybe i can jam out to music that defined my life all alone in my car and not feel nostalgic...which i did today, too!

maybe i can listen to my friend tell me stories of all the great times she's having in college (with my good friend, may i add) and not fake enthusiasm because i would rather be there with them instead of alone in this random city. but i genuinely laughed and enjoyed her stories today!

yes, i miss my old life. and i hate to think i'm making new friends. but as i get ready to go to my small group meeting today, i have nothing but excitement on my mind-plus, i know a couple girls in my group!!

i think i'm starting to figure out how to make friends, which i've never had to do before. just today, i walked into the student recreation center all "whatever", just eating skittles and being chill. and i walked right up to the huuuge manly-man of a volleyball coach and said flat out that i wanted to be on the team. no "um, hi" that always seems to come out of my mouth these days!

without even realizing it, i'm moving on. i hate it, but its exciting. i wish i could share it with my friends, but its just not something we talk about. oh well!

i feel like dancing. even though i'm completely worn out and tired from waking up at the crack of dawn every day, realizing that i'm finally on the road to where i want to be is so exhilarating!

who lives in a pineapple under the sea?

I was putting off writing my paper for english (i eventually did it-don't worry!) and was flipping through the channels to find that the Spongebob Squarepants Movie was on. I saw the movie with my mom, but to be honest, i don't remember a lot of it. but spongebob in general is great. full of hilarity, innocence, and lessons...he pretty much can't go wrong!

spongebob: more than just a sponge living in a pineapple. he works at a fast food restaurant, his best friend is a starfish, and he has a snail for a pet. he's full of child like qualities-heck, he blows bubbles and visits the zoo on his days off! I find myself giggling and smiling at pretty much everything he does. when he's sad, i feel sad too...he's just hilarious and perfect...we should all be more like him!

patrick: spongebob's best friend. he lives under a rock, pretty much does nothing all day, and its almost a guarantee that we see his undies in every episode. he's not the brightest, but he's loyal. and isn't that what we all want in a friend? spongebob's been around for like 10 years, and patrick has been there the entire time. of course they get in fights, but they always resolve it. what more could an aquatic sponge ask for?

squidward: the grumpy, clarinet playing, artsy, next door neighbor to spongebob. not quite the happiest of squids, but he's come around on occasion. he works with spongebob, and hates every minute of it. theres not much we can learn from squidward...except how not to act. every story needs a villain, and squidward is the sort of villain fit for bikini bottom - a sarcastic, unhappy downer. but it works for him!

mr. krabs: the owner of the krusty krab, where spongebob and squidward work. his daughter is a whale, he lives in an anchor, and his life revolves around money. i guess you could call him spongebob's mentor, someone he looks up to. mr. krabs won't do anything for free, and isn't the best employer, but he's a good friend and offers good advice...this crab rocks!

so all in all, whether you're looking for a chuckle after work or an insightful lesson on how to have "imagination", spongebob is the show for you. yes, its for kids, but its hilarious and touching...i hope he's around for years to come!!

on my mind

a LOT has been going on lately. I haven't really had time to think about it, but just recently, i've had some time to process my ideas and figure out what they mean. so here goes:
Friendships:
the majority of my close friends are going to school together. i always thought that once school started, everyone would be in the same boat as me-new, friendless, unfamiliar. turns out thats totally not the case. two of my best friends are rooming together, people are always visiting my brother and friends at whitewater...its just not how i wanted it to be, but i put on a happy face. what else is new?
Work:
i love it. probably more than i should. granted, i almost passed out the other day, but thats another story. im working at a vet clinic, and i had to hold down a cat so the doctor could give it shots...i guess i locked my knees and the room was hot-the next thing i knew, the room was spinning and i couldnt hear anything. probably not good. oh well. it hasnt happened again. but its seriously so much fun to watch operations and take care of the animals...i couldnt ask for a better job. burlington is another story...i won't get into that.
Politics:
i've had a couple run-ins with this lately. i don't know what i believe-i couldnt vote in the past election, so i pretty much tuned out all the ralleys and campaigns. i'm not looking for a debate, but i've been pretty irked a couple times lately. two completely influential people in my life are gay. not together...haha no. but seriously, just because my friend comes out to me, i'm not supposed to be friends with them anymore because i "don't believe in that"? its life. its messy. it's not cut and dry, left or right, conservative or liberal. and who cares? why should it take over people's life? the president is and will be the president for another three years. it does no good arguing with people about issues that are in the past. but i digress...
School:
i'm going part time. i love my classes, my profs are great, but the friendship thing? not so much. i think its a mix of 7:30 am classes, community campus, and small classes. nobody sticks around after classes to mingle and make friends, everyone's half asleep in the mornings so they don't talk, and two of my classes have 20 people tops...its harder than i thought. coming from a school where i knew everyone, there were always people to talk to in my classes, and it was never hard, its just been a different world for me lately. but i'm trying. i really am.
these are just a few of the things running in my mind lately. its awesome to get them all out. more later <3

loose change

yesterday was an emotional day.

through the wonders of technology, i have been introduced to Skype. the handy dandy little video-chat website that allows people to see each other and talk via web cam. it rocks, and its addicting. i love it. but i never thought it would be as hard at it is. not technically hard, but seeing my friends together to talk to me broke my heart. two nights ago, i had a 9 way chat, and i was trying so hard to keep from crying...i miss laying on my friend's bed and just talking, or hanging out at the coffee shop to visit people. yes, having the web cam makes it about a million times easier to leave-it seems like i'm right there. talking face to face. phone calls just don't compare. i love it.

but i've been a wreck lately. EVERYTHING reminds me of home. and i never was a cryer. i didn't cry my first night away from home, i didn't cry talking to my friends on the phone, i didn't cry period. ever. but in the past two days, i've cried more than i have in a year. why? who knows. but driving along in the car and listening to what i thought would be "pump up" music, but turned in to gut-wrenching tear fest for my mom seems to be happening a lot. i was listening to the Mamma Mia! soundtrack...i love that movie, and its so upbeat and fun, i thought it would put me in a good mood. but the song "slipping through my fingers" turned me into a blubbery mess. don't know what i'm talking about? check it out here. (watch that clip without crying...i dare ya!). seconds after the song ended, i had to walk up to the guy who sold me my car and whimper out a request for my car matts. he probably thought i was insane.

my mom called me yesterday, and i lost it on the phone. all of the emotions came pouring out and i know it sounded like what she was talking to me about put me in a terrible mood, but i guess i just realized everything at that moment.

change is inevitable. and it sucks. but its life. i've been accused of changing, but i guess i've just been accepting. i was the first to leave home, and i don't think my friends realized that it was hard for them to say goodbye to one friend...but i had to say goodbye to everyone at the same time. i don't know why it didn't really affect me then, but i'm feeling the emotion now. but i don't have anyone to share it with.

i'm not throwing myself a pity party. this is just a stage i'll have to learn from and come out of a better person. i just wish it wasn't so hard.

so, long story short, i miss home. what else is new? there have been beyond amazing things happening in my new home, but i'll write about those later. im in a nostalgic mood, and i needed to express it. now i need to dry off my tear-stained keyboard. hm. oh well.

my best friends...minus a few important ones :)

"wouldn't mama be proud"

i had an interesting discussion today.
driving along the interstate is the best time to play the question game. its random, it passes the time, and lets face it. its fun. ish. so today my aunt and i were driving from a far-away city and we got to talking. she said "use one word to describe your mom".

one word. i chose "involved"...

and it got me thinking.

my mom is seriously the most influential person in my life. i love my parents, and my dad is my favorite person on the planet. no lie. but it seems like my mom has been around in my life a lot. she quit her job before i went into kindergarten and literally spent every waking moment with me.

road trips to tennessee, spending a week at camp, days by the pool, writing in journals, teaching us how to be better people. my mom was the best at all of that.

we laughed. we cried. we walked around the block on hot summer nights with freeze-pops and we would talk about anything. we watched movies, top model marathons, and hgtv for hours on end. she loves my friends (i think...if she doesn't, she does a good job hiding it!) and my friends love her. the girls that i've been friends with my entire life have grown up with my mom as well - teaching them things that their moms couldn't.

i didn't think it would be hard to leave my family. yes, i would miss them, but they're my family. its not like they can just get another daughter. i was more worried about my friends moving on and meeting new people...not so much missing my nagging, meddlesome parents.

but i do.

hearing about my cousin and my aunt going shopping for dorm stuff together, or listening to stories of my friends and their moms (even the bad ones) makes me miss my mom even more. she's a phone call away, but that's not as convienent as 4 steps away.

all of this doesn't mean that i love my mom more than my dad. or brother. there have just been more instances where i want to tell my mom random things that only she would get. i miss my dad more than i can even describe. and my brother is my best friend. but its those little things like talking to my mom after my first day at work that just isnt the same on the phone. i miss her. and everyone. but they'll always be in my life, and for that, i am so thankful.

[lift up your heart]
i love you mom!!

on friendships

i've got a lot on my mind lately. i'm the kind of person who, when hearing something insightful or interesting, immediately figures a way to put it into a facebook status or how i could describe it to someone later. but, more often than not, i end up forgetting about what made my little lightbulb go on in a matter of minutes. i totally had a plan for what i would write about for my first post. something about discovering myself, the complications of completely starting over, the hardships of strange people with even stranger accents. but, like usual, i have no idea what the witty words and clever sentences were going to enlighten the readers of blogs all over the world. typical. so i guess i'll write about what i know. we'll start with that.

seventeen days ago, i left my little town that i spent the last eighteen years of my life growing up and making friends and memories for the foreign town of knoxville. yes, it was completely my decision, but when i had made the choice to move, it was a year away and it seemed like i had "forever" before the move was going to change life as i knew it. it's been hard so far. it's weird how people are pretty much the same everywhere. there's the group of friends that you always hang out with, the girls who walk into your house and make themselves at home, the guys running around outside. granted, there's no wiffleball games going on in the front yard back home, and theres not the fifteenish girls that are the given people to spend time with. where i'm from, its a guessing game who we hang out with each night. yes, i have my close best friends who i'm always with, but they're not all friends with each other. i have friends in different groups, friends i may not see for weeks at a time but the second we see each other, its like time never passed. i wouldn't have it any other way.

the girls i've known since elementary school. my friends that i hardly ever see but i know i could call any one of them and talk for hours. i would be lost without them. they've been with me through everything.

the ones who have been with me since freshman year...some of them earlier than that. we probably wouldn't be friends, but the music department has a funny way of making strangers into sisters. we went through a lot together. trips to florida and new york, musicals, concerts, marching, classes. something about seeing each other every day for four straight years builds a kind of friendship that will never be broken. i love these girls!

i can't even beging to describe the bond i have with these two girls. its the kind of friendship that doesn't have barriers. we say what we want to say. we accept each other. there have been ups and downs. we've gone through groups and friends, but it's always been the three of us. i can't believe i've been lucky enough to call them my friends. i wouldn't trade them for anyone else in the world!

my freshest friends. we've only been friends for about nine months, but we became fast friends. our music, dancing, inside jokes, random pictures, taco dip parties, movie nights, bonfires, car rides, boat trips, san laurio runs, fed-ex sightings, video making, late night chats, fun loving memories will last a lifetime. i can't wait to see them again.

i'm excited to start a new life and make new friends, but the thought of not seeing the most influential people in my life for any span of time makes my eyes well up. i know we're all going out seperate ways, but we'll stay friends forever. i'm sure of it.